An Ode to Health "Experts"
A lengthy satire of our current state of "health" in America.
Don't eat high fructose corn syrup. It's been linked to diabetes, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, obesity and certain types of cancer.
Ok, then I'll eat sugar-free foods and drink diet drinks.
Don't do that either. Artificial sweeteners are linked to gastrointestinal disorders and are shown to potentially cause cancer as well, as well as still contributing to obesity, hyperinsulinemia and diabetes. Your body doesn't know the difference between artificial sweetener and regular sugar.
Ok, then I won't eat artificial sweeteners or high fructose corn syrup, I'll just eat regular, unprocessed sugar.
Ehhh, shouldn't really do that either. Sugar is the number one cause of hypertension and cardiovascular disease in the world, and the cause of obesity and diabetes.
Ok, so no fruit then either because fruit has sugar?
Ehhh, fruit is ok. It's got vitamins and minerals that you need.
Yes, but it has sugar.
Ehhh, some sugar is ok. Fruit also helps with hydration because it contains lots of water.
Ok, so eat fruit and drink bottled water.
Ehhhh, stay away from bottled water. Bottled water is just purified tap water. And plastic bottles contain BPA, which is linked to carcinogens and cancer-causing agents.
Ok, so I should just drink tap water?
No, definitely not tap water. Tap water is full of fluoride, chlorine, and possible lead, which is linked to a lot of additional health concerns, and cancers.
Ok, so no water, then. Milk it is.
Ehhh, be careful with milk! Cows are fed growth hormones and antibiotics which presents itself in your supermarket supply!
Alright, well then I'll just eat meat for protein.
Meat is good! Lots of protein! But be careful with meat. There are lot of growth hormones in cattle and you can never be too careful with what the animals are fed and how it's affecting you.
Ok, then I'll only eat grass-fed meat.
Ehhh, be careful with grassfed meat though, too. Grassfed animals tend to develop stomach problems from the grain, so they're fed more antibiotics to combat the problem, and we consume those antibiotics upon consuming the meat.
Ok, so be careful with beef. Maybe I'll just eat fish.
Fish is good! High in Omega-3's and healthy fats, as well as protein! Just be careful with your fish. They tend to be high in mercury and lots of dangerous metals that settle. They may also contain parasites that tend to feed on fish in nature, so just be careful about eating it raw or whether or not the fish is a "bottom-feeder."
Ok, so farm-raised?
Farm-raised is the worst!! Do you have any idea what those fish are fed?? Do not eat farm-raised fish!
Ok, so basically no fish. Then I'll just consume nuts for healthy fats and proteins.
I love nuts! But only in SMALL amounts! Nuts contain so much fat and calories and really add up. They're good, but only a few of them. Ever seen a REAL serving size of peanut butter?? Oh! And speaking of peanut butter, it has hydrogenated oils in it which are REAL bad. So stay away from that!
Ok, eat some nuts but barely any because you'll get fat, and peanut butter has bad oil in it.
Alright, well I guess I'll just have to eat more vegetables.
Vegetables are good! Very healthy and high in vitamins and minerals like fruits! Just be careful because vegetables are sprayed with high amount of DDT and other pesticides, which are very poisonous and can cause cancer in humans. Tomatoes boast some of the highest concentrations of these pesticides. Basically be VERY carefully to clean them thoroughly.
Ok, so be careful with sugar, even fruits; be careful with milk; even grass-fed beef is risky; stay away from most fish; careful with nuts because I'll turn into a fat-ass; wash and re-wash your vegetables, and even still you should be careful; got it.